Non-Violent or Compassionate Communication

Compassionate Communication is a type of consciousness and a communication process designed to enable us to connect with ourselves and with other people.



Here is a video in which the facilitator explains how we can communicate with our children when they repeatedly say no to what we ask them to do.

Non-Violent or Compassionate Communication website

Founded by Rosenberg, Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication (NVC or CC), has been used in different settings such as, education, work, prisons, peace talks, and conflict resolutions at different levels in many countries for over 40 years.
 It is based on the belief that needs and feelings are universal; however, people differ in ways or strategies they employ to fulfill their needs, especially across cultures. Needs are recognized as positive, so when miscommunication and conflicts occur, it is accepted that they happen on the strategy level (how you fulfill your need).
Another premise of this model is that people’s actions and language are motivated by their needs, which, whether met or unmet, trigger their feelings. The fact that one is responsible for one’s own utterances and actions implies having a choice. Rosenberg (2003) argued that in many cultures people have been conditioned to speak a “life-alienating” language of evaluating, judging, labeling, and blaming, which naturally leads to disconnection and denies a personal responsibility. Therefore, when people communicate, they tend to think in terms of being wrong or right, not whether their needs are being met or not. Not being aware of one’s own feelings and needs implies disconnection with our selves, which brings about disconnection with others (Lamb, 2012).
Another important tenet of the CC model is empathy and self-empathy. Rosenberg (2003) defines empathy as a “respectful understanding of what others are experiencing (p.91). More often than not, instead of empathy people tend to give advice, console, sympathize, educate, or explain their personal opinions. Empathy presupposes being empty of oneself and fully present for the other person. It is a difficult skill to apply consistently, but its powers are healing. To be able to empathize with someone people need to receive empathy. Rosenberg (2003) asserted that the most valuable application of the model is self-empathy. It is hard to give empathy when one is violent to oneself. When a person makes a mistake, he/she tends to make self-judgements and evaluations, which are the expressions of one’s unmet needs. The process of CC allows people to understand what needs were not being met and what feelings they had. Self-empathy enables a person to accept and forgive himself/herself and grow.
 Rosenberg (2003) emphasized that the capacity for compassion is ingrained in every human being, but it is often dormant. Therefore, the goal of this model is to give people the tools to access compassion, including self-compassion, more readily in order to develop awareness and a language that will contribute to better understanding of self and others; thus, meeting one’s own and other people’s needs in a more peaceful way.

The Compassionate Communication model is a two-way process of either expressing honestly or connecting empathetically by applying a four-step process which consists of observations, feelings, needs, and requests. Since it is “mind-set” (Connor & Killian, 2012, p. 306), it is possible to experience it without saying a word. It can be customized depending on circumstances, a personality, and culture. In conclusion, CC is “both a type of consciousness and a dialogical process of communication, which focuses on compassion for others and for self “(Jones, 2009, p. 46). The dialogic process allows people to connect with what is “alive” for them and others by talking about their feelings and needs (Jones, 2009; Rosenberg 2003).